Forgiveness is a necessary thing. It is important to forgive yourself for mistakes you've made, and you need to forgive when you've been hurt. Today is the kind of day where forgiveness is not a thing that I have done, but a thing I am trying to actively participate in.
I went for my second treatment today. As usual, it started with bloodwork, which should lead directly into treatment. Unfortunately for me, that is not how things went today. My bloodwork showed alarmingly high levels for kidney and liver function. They said I was at the threshold for what is safe and they recommended we pause treatment for now and I should come back on Monday. Hopefully, by that point, my system will settle down and I'll be able to get my second treatment.
They told me this could just be a fluke. It could also be from the Tylenol I popped like candy over the weekend when my normal (and normally absolutely monstrous and debilitatingly painful) monthly cycle hit. Or it could be that the treatment is harsher on my body than we expected. But we won't know until Monday.
My instinct was to apologize to the NP. I'm sorry I have the wrong blood today and wasted everybody's time. But she insisted it's nothing I could have done and nothing I can prevent (although I should try to hydrate better, just a general on-the-nose comment on me forever and ever amen). Her kindness aside, I still walked out of there feeling like a failure.
The treatment has been going so well. My tumors are all smaller now, I can't even FIND them all anymore. I sleep! I eat vegetables! Why would my stupid body let me down today, when I need it to be good and as-healthy-as-possible. WHAT GIVES?! The body doesn't answer when you need it to. It just keeps beating your heart and rumbling your stomach. I don't know what I expected.
So I am trying to forgive my body, I am trying to forgive my blood. I am trying to forgive myself for crying about it, just as I am trying to forgive myself occasionally relishing the experience of the full-body sobs that I assume just come with the territory of having cancer. I am trying to forgive myself for not being more focused at work.
It is hard to treat yourself with grace when you are also nauseous, impatient, and to the gills with anxiety. But I suppose that's the time you need it most. I'm working on it.
In the meantime, I'll be here drinking non-caffeinated teas and gatorade.
Thank you for your honesty, wisdom and bravery in the face of so many unknowns. Some days the progress will feel slower than others, but look how far you’ve come already. You’ve got this! Hugs, Alison
Thanks for naming it, Emily. "Full body sobs that come with the territory of having cancer?" Yes. A wise body that is a mystery and often reminds us "it takes the time it takes." Also, yes.
You are cherished and met. I love you.
Your body is super busy right now fighting cancer and honestly being sort of a bad ass already shrinking your tumors. Let's cut it some slack while it gears up for your next treatment.
In the meantime, treat yourself with the grace you'd show to anyone else in this situation. That's how the rest of us feel about it while knowing your body is just saying, "Whew, this is tough. I need a minute."
Love to you.
😘 Jewel
I'm so sorry you didn't get your treatment today - you must be so frustrated. Please, please, please, though, no guilt! No need to forgive yourself! You are strong and brave and awesome and no bump in the road (and surely there will be a few) is your fault. And it's beyond great that your tumors are shrinking!! Hugs. 😘