when the dark is done

It is official, I will begin treatment on Wednesday. I will arrive at the Cancer Center at 12:30, have my blood taken, and then probably wait around for an hour, then get 90 minutes of Ipilimumab followed by 30 minutes of Nivolumab. Following that, I have had the foresight to take off the rest of Wednesday afternoon and all of Thursday in an attempt to recuperate as fast as possible.

I am remarkably anxious because I do not yet know how immunotherapy will impact me. Will I be out of commission for days? Will I be back on my feet within 48 hours? Will I feel completely wrecked, or will I just feel kind of gross? How much can I live my life?

Selfishly (or just maybe because I don't know what I'm doing) I have not canceled any aspect of my life just yet. I refuse to let mean and stupid little tumors get the better of me, they can't have EVERYTHING. But I also understand that I might need to step back on occasion to let my body rest. I am just so anxious not knowing how that will balance out.

I will beg for your patience as I figure it out. I have tried reading about the experiences of others, but it has led to even more confusion and even more options of what might, but likely won't, or at least possibly won't, but still maybe could happen.

I have decided regardless of how hard immunotherapy is, I will do what I can to continue two things I know I need to do to stay emotionally healthy:

1. stay active

2. sing

For point one my wonderful husband Isaac has committed to going on walks with me, finding easy hiking trails, riding bikes, or whatever else might at least get me out in the sunshine. If things get really bad I have a secret plan to get a wagon and have him pull me around the neighborhood like the woman down the street who pulls an ancient droopy hound dog. That dog is a kindred spirit, I just know it.

For singing, I am hoping that I can continue to do what I need to do. I am happy to be involved in groups that are vaccinated and masked, so my health will not be at risk. I will only be limited by what my body allows me to do. I will listen to what I need, but I also intend to keep making music one way or another.

I plan to update here Wednesday night or maybe Thursday to let you all know how I am feeling. I have read that sometimes immunotherapy has most side effects right at the beginning (within the first week) but I've also read that some found the later infusions much more difficult. There is truly no way of knowing what this will be for me, but I remain hopeful.

Also, I was so lucky to sing a solo at the beginning of the church service this past Sunday, and I'll be honest that I was a little emotional. Feel free to take a listen to The Road Home by Stephen Paulus (directed by Heinrich Christensen, who I am so unbelievably happy to be singing for again):